if u smash snails on purpose ur a fuckin piece of shit they are tiny cuties trying 2 get somewhere as fast as they can pls help them out
um excuse me have you ever had a garden because those fuckers will fuck your shit up i mean they totally ruined an entire row of my broccoli plants in one night i am not even fucking around about my broccoli fuck snails
who am i shaving for
- romeo: hey i just met you.
- romeo: and this is crazy.
- romeo: but i saw you at your dad's party that i wasn't supposed to attend and i thought you were pretty cute so i followed you and we kissed but then your nanny called you away and i found out you were a capulet and got bummed so i sneaked into your back yard in the middle of the night and climbed your balcony uninvited to profess my undying love after an hour even though i wanted to bone rosaline like two scenes ago.
- romeo: so marry me maybe.
i was checking out at target and this guy was being really flirty with me and his nametag said rosemarie so when i left i said “have a good night rosemarie” and he said “rosemarie??” and i pointed to his nametag and he said fuck very loud then said “they are always fucking doing this to me”
“you wanna see my breasts” i say seductively to my boyfriend. i unbutton my shirt to reveal two large, succulent cuts of meat. i am a chicken. why do i have a boyfriend. why am i wearing clothes
- Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
- Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it
- Teacher: Technically
- Student: But it doesn't even taste like-
- Teacher: what
- Student: what
I’m really dreading the day I turn 18 cause I will no longer be the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen
GUYS HELP ME SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING WEIRD HAPPENED I NEED AN EXPLAINATION THAT IS NOT ALIENS
i was just sitting on my laptop chill and what not with the tv on in the backround
When the tv sound cuts out so i look up at the tv
THATS A PICTURE OF MY LAPTOP ON MY BED TAKEN RIGHT WHERE I WAS SITTING WHAT DO I DO ?????
happy birthday. we couldn’t afford to put a stripper in your cake like you wanted so instead we just put your cake in a stripper. she ate the whole thing in like 2 minutes. you should have been there. it was amazing.
- parents: wow you look gorgeous you are so beautiful
- family: surely you have 14 boyfriends and boys falling at your feet
- friends: omg you are soooo pretty
- boys: i've never really seen this species of animal before
- us government: *accidentally likes your pic from 2009*